The Poker Game

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

Don't Wake your Neighbors!

A Jew arrives at the gates of heaven. The angel asks, "Sect?" The man says, "Litfish." The angel looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another Jew arrives at the gates of heaven. "Sect?" "Sepahrd" "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8. A third man arrives at the gates. "Sect?" "Belz" "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8. "A fourth man arrives at the gates. "Sect?" "Satmar" "Go to room 17, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."


The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religious sects, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

The angel tells him, "Well the Lubavitchers are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

Hecher Fune Tumah!

An older man who was singing Shlomo Carlbach songs in Mikveh explaind (I believe it was while he was putting his socks on) "Shlomo's songs are bibchinas "Modeh Ani" which one can say even before negel vasser, since it's hecher fune tumah."

What Happened to "Hiskafia in Lubavitch?"

I was walking through the hallways of Yeshiva when a bochur passed by and overheard me complaining to myself that my pants were falling off.
“Why?” he asked “have you lost a few pounds?"
"No" was my reply, "it's just that I can’t close the button!"

Meshichistan evicted?

Will they really all leave? Where will they go?
I guess some will have to go upstairs and the rest will all have to go to the Ohel!

Recognizing Contest

On shabbos I met a friend of which I have not seen for about five years. The last time I saw him my cheeks were as smooth as a baby's palms, while he had a full beard. As time went by though, things did change. So when we had our little reunion I asked him "who do you think had a harder time recognizing each other, me with the beard or you without one?"

UP TO 4

The other day a bochur walked into zal a bit late, when the mashgiach asked him why he was late he replied that last night was his sibling’s lechaim and that it ended late.
“Weren’t you late a few weeks ago for the same reson?” asked the mashgiach.
“Yes, but there were two lechaims” answered the bochur.
The mashgiach nodded and said “ok, after all the Rebbe said up to four lechaims!”