NY POST, September 19, 2006 -- SO MANY Jews, so little time.
Let all good citizens of this city give a rousing welcome to our distinguished guest, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Extra credit for saying that five times fast.
The nuclear-loving, Holocaust-denying, chucklehead president of Iran is in town today for the General Assembly of the United Nations, otherwise known as the house of anti-Semitic America loathers on the East River. The guy must be lonely, what with President Bush refusing to take his calls as long as he keeps making those nukes. And things are pretty chilly in the U.N. cafeteria these days, after Mahmoud called for Israel to be "wiped from the map."
So he owes it to himself to stray from the like minds at Turtle Bay and check out the sights, the sounds. The Jews!
Here are 10 things Ahmadinejad shouldn't miss in our town:
1. Face time with Mayor Bloomberg.
Bloomy is far too polite to kick this guy's heinie out of Lincoln Center, as Rudy Giuliani did to Yasser Arafat. So, Mahmoud, you've got a golden chance to get your picture taken alongside an actual Jewish leader! I dare you.
2. How about a trim? That rat's nest on the Iranian president's noggin has got to go, and New York is home to the finest salons this side of Tehran. Ride Brooklyn's B-48 bus to Flintsone's Unisex Hair Care on Franklin Avenue in Bed-Stuy, where expert Caribbean locks tamers will whip that unruly mane into a fashionable fade cut. And how about a shave while you're at it?
3. Mahmoud once helpfully suggested that Europe donate a piece of its land to house the Jewish state. So while on the Upper East Side visiting Bloomy, hop the No. 6 train uptown to the French Consulate. See how the cheese-eaters feel about that!
4. Stop at one of our many fine newsstands, where immigrants, many from the Middle East, make their way into the economy. See papers in every language and ideology, publishing freely. Try not to throw up.
5. Visit Ground Zero. C'mon, prez. Even the Saudis pay their respects. Prove you love peace. Or maybe not.
6. Pop on the PATH train to Jersey and visit Emilio Karim Dabul, the Muslim-American who took a great risk by apologizing on these pages for contributing to the 9/11 terror attacks - by doing nothing.
7. Take the 4 train to Crown Heights. Try the chopped liver and brisket at Mermelstein's Kosher Delicatessen. It just might convert you.
8. Board the D train to Yankee Stadium, and enjoy happy hour with George Steinbrenner. See how a real leader acts.
9. And don't forget to take the No. 7 to Shea. See how real winners - the Mets - behave with grace, dignity and cojones. Not obstinance, whining and impotence.
10. On your way to Friday-night services at Temple Emanu-El, check out H&H Bagels. You might not find your 72 virgins there, but you will go to paradise.
Enjoy your trip.
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